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TF2 Mercenary Battle Royale
Description: Battle of the infamous 9 mann team! Which merc (or assassin) will walk away as the victor while the other 8 are "LITTLE, LITTLE, BABIES"? Interlude: NINE FIGHTERS! NO RESEARCH! 60 SECONDS! 1! MINUTE! MELEE! *Start* SELECT YOUR CHARACTER! (Player One moves their cursor over to Scout and selects him.) (Player Two moves their cursor over to Soldier and selects him.) (Pop-up text appears) LET'S ROCK? Alrighty!' '/ Uh, one sec... <-- ("Uh, one sec..." is selected as the screen goes back to the character selection screen.) (Players 3 through nine has joined the game!) (They each select the remaining RED team members in order.) LET'S ROCK? --> Alrighty!' '/ Uh, one sec... ("Alrighty!" is selected as the screen fades to black.) Pre-Battle: Music: Kazotsky Kick In Viaduct, RED team was busy celebrating another win against the BLU team, as they managed to capture the main control point up on the summit. They were partying with Mannrobics, Congas, and Russia's Kazotsky Kick, or as Soldier calls it, "The Red Man's Conga Line". It was going well until they heard something on the announcer. Or rather, someone, as they instinctively recognized the voice. Music: Playing With Danger "Hello, hello? Uh, good evening winners!" Miss Paulings congratulated, as RED team erupted in cheers of joy once more, before another voice they knew was heard over the loud speakers. "Yes, yes; I'm proud of you, you make my heart beat twice as fast, yeah yeah yeah..." The Administrator told them, as she cleared her throat. "Anyway, it appears as if that we have made a, remarkable discovery..." she put lightly, as another voice was heard from the skies. "SAX-TON..." ''It rang, as a buff Australian man came barreling down, aiming straight for the mercs, as they quickly ran out of the way with cries of terror. "''HAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!" ''he finished, as he posed right in front of them. "Ah, another flawless landing!" "Holy doody, we gotta fight him again, don't we?" Sniper instantly guessed, as Saxton patted his back with a hearty chuckle, almost cracking it. "HAHAHA! I wish! However, we got something less amusing for you, but could still be fun!" Hale explained, as he hid something from the mercs behind his back. "Well stop yer' gabberin', and tell us mate!" The Demoman declared, as Hale turned quickly to meet his eyes, making the Demoman squeal in shock. "OI! I think I almost went where no man should go in public..." "No one blames you! Their eyes just ''bleed ''in shock after 5 seconds of reading my comics! Anyway, we are having a contest of the sorts..." Hale started to explain, before pulling out something that instantly caught all of their attention. "H-holy crap! That's freakin' awesome!" "...For once, Heavy is envious of other man..." "Merde! What a fascinating reward!" "Now THAT, is a fancy cap for me!" "Bloody hell! That can save me family and get me a new eye!" "Mmmph mmmph!" Pyro went, as he saw through his goggles a daddy Hale offering to the babies a giant chocolate fountain of endless chocolate. "Whoo-wee! Isn't that something?" "Amazing! It symbolizes America perfectly!" "I-it's..." the Medic started, as the rest of the mercs stared in awe at the rare Brotherhood Of Arms sweater that acted like a hat, and swirling at the top of it... "FREE, MONEY!" he yelled in joy, as Hale started to laugh. "Ha ha ha! Right! Win the contest, and this fancy hat and all the money it spawns can be yours to easily break the economy!" Hale explained. "Alright, you can count me in for this event. Just tell us what to do..." Spy declared, as he readied his gun and knife. "Kill each other." The men in red stood in confusion as they looked at Hale, curious to what he just said. "Aw come on! Don't be such pussies! You will still respawn after death, but will be locked into your respawn! I will give you all 5 seconds to split up and a whole minute to fight each other to the death! I got a great white shark and a bear waiting for me back at the office, so be quick about this!" Hale declared, as he gestured to the loud speaker above them, as it started to count down in the Administrator's voice. "5..." it went, as Scout, Engineer and Spy went in opposite directions down the summit. "I'll be seeing you guys soon..." the spy went as he went invisible with a whistle, unnerving the 2 men. "4..." said the Administrator as the Sniper, Soldier and Demoman went down the other way. "Hey, Tavish; when I win this fight, I'll help your family out with some money as well as giving you another eye! After all, UK and USA people gotta stick together!" the Soldier went off on, genuinely touching the drunk man. "Ay', thanks lad! Ya' can crash at my place after I blow yer' body to pieces!" he laughed with the Soldier before they split up in a fork in the path. "3..." the timer kept on going, as Heavy blocked the Pyro from the Medic, being in between them. "Get behind me, doktor. When we are the final 2, Heavy will let friend kill him in exchange for money to support his family..." the Heavy offered, causing a real smile on the Medic's face. "Many thanks, Misha! But I really just want the hat! Science is it's own monetary reward!" the German doctor spoke, making the Heavy chuckle. "2..." she went on, as the Engineer finished setting up a level one sentry. "I'm good enough, pardner!" he shouted, as the rest of the mercs readied their weapons of war. "1..." she drawed out, as Saxton Hale jumped up into the air with a great leap. "I'll be back! Just smell hippies nearby! Shouldn't take a minute!" he promised, as he went off into the sky, aimed for hippies, as several guns cocked, ready to be fired... '''Dear Reader: You just read what you thought you just read, dear reader! I, Saxton Hale, just presented these dumb mercs a challenge that will pit their skill against each other to see who will win for a really pricey hat! I already have like 10 of those anyway, so why not have some fun while some bloodshed happens. I'll be sure to pick this up and read it once it's finished so I can see how they do with my own eyes! Our comics are 100% accurate, you know! Now I know you want to go back and check the other adventures of them and I, Saxton Hale, to try and drink in how all of this is possible without having your brain explode, head propelled off in shock and surprise, and your own shitter shattered! But if you'll like me, you would just stick to realizing that I did punch a gang of hippies up after busting through a window of a building back at our fifth issue! To this day, I will never know why that happen; nor should we waste time explaining! So for now...' LET LIVE, AND LET DIE...FIGHT!: Music: (MEDIC!) 60 SECONDS! Medic quickly charged his pal Heavy, as they saw the Pyro heading straight for them. "Get ready, comrade!" the doctor told his pal as Misha stepped in front of him, shooting straight at Pyro, determined not to have his pal killed. "Much appreciated, doktor," the Russian spoke as his eyes narrowed down the Pyro. In Pyro's vision; he was seeing Medic offering the Heavy a liquid stream of sandviches, as the Heavy himself blew bubbles at the Pyro. Giggling, the Pyro looked to his right, seeing a scorch shot dropped by the other team roll down the hill on the RED's side, rushing over it so he can play with them, surviving the bullets unwittingly. "Let's hide for now, doktor. We can kill him once we get a uber..." Heavy offered, as his companion agreed as they started to go down the BLU side, only to stop, barely missing a rocket that was blasted their way. 50 SECONDS! "Hold still, you Commie and Nazi! This will be done quickly that way!" the Soldier slurred racially, as a grenade popped right up next to him, hurting him a bit. "G'AH! Who goes there?!?" he turned his attention away from the duo to face the Black Cyclops himself. "Oh, when I'm through with you ladie, they gotta send you back IN A SOUP CAN!" he hollored, as the Soldier smirked and did a rocket jump, doing even more damage to himself. "SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" Jane Doe yelled, as he started firing down onto the Demoman, who got blasted by one, but since it knocked him backed, he was barely still alive as the other two didn't hit so close to him. As the Soldier descended, he got his shovel ready to whack him... Only to fall right next to him, as he screamed in pain and collapsed from the fall damage, as the Demoman taunted with a laugh and pointing. KO! 1/8 "Boy lad, ya' are really stupid..." The Demo remarked, pulling out a drink to get drunk on only to remember something. "A-hem. Did the baby men forget about Heavy with Medic?" he asked as he spun up his gun and shot him to death, the bottle breaking on the floor. KO! 2/8 As the Soldier and Demoman respawned, they remembered their original promise to each other. "YA' BLOODY IDIOT! I thought you were savin' me fer' last!" Tavish roared, as the Soldier growled. "I'm high on Patriotism, son! I forget a lot of stuff!" "I'm drunk! You don't have a excuse!" "Cyclops!" "HIPPIE!" A fist to fist fight broke out in the respawn room between the two, as they slowly forgot what it was they even fought about as the fight progressed. 40 SECONDS! Back at the war zone, Engineer finished setting up his level 3 sentry with his level 3 dispenser nearby. A shield was around the sentry as the Engineer held a Wrangler for it, laying back in his Rancho Relaxo. Scout almost ran straight in front of it, only backing out at the last second as he heard the familiar sentry buzzing sound. "Look out sonnie! This thing ain't on out pilot!" he chuckled, as Scout grumbled and ran off to try and find Sniper instead, hoping he is a easier target. "May ya' stupid crap be sapped by a spy!" the Boston boy declared as he ran off. "Hahaha, nothing like a little creativity to keep the genius like me goin'..." Dell proudly spoke to himself, as he started to relax, eyeing any possible fighter. A all too memorable watch sound proved otherwise, as his eyes widen in shock as he started to turn, only to feel a backstab, letting out a cry of defeat as he fell. KO! 3/8 "Oh, pardon me? Did I throw a wrench into your plans?" the espionage expert laughed out, staring down menacingly at the now lifeless corpse. *BZZZT!* The Spy's eyes bulged up, as he saw a red laser slowly glide over to him, until vanishing as he realized what that meant. It was on him now... 30 SECONDS! Panicking, the spy quickly vanished in time, getting out as fast as he could, re-appearing against a wall right next to the tunnels entrance, breathing heavily as was thankful to be out of that mess... Only to shudder once more as he heard some mumbling, before feeling warm, realizing a fatal mistake; being right next to a Pyro. In his eyes, the Pyro was brutally burning him to death, but the Pyro himself thought the rainbows complimented the Spy well, as they both were laughing in his vision, before the Spy baby got tired and laid back into the ground to sleep. NAPTIME! 4/8 Back in the spawn room, the Frenchman was grumbling in defeat, as he saw Engineer behind a booth. "What the hell?" he softly asked in confusion. "I'm doin' a bettin' ring here! Who would win, and who will have the most bodies racked in here between Soldier and Demoman before they break..." Engineer explained, having bet $100 on the Heavy winning, and also $100 on the Soldier for the higher body count. "Hmm...Very well, count me into the poll," Spy reluctantly spoke, betting $500 on the Sniper winning and $250 on the Demoman being the better killer. 20 SECONDS! The Pyro was jumping up for joy, clapping his hands as he saw the Spy corpse rest peacefully in his eyes... Only to turn and see the Heavy and Medic duo again, this time smirking in preparation. He rushed to them, shooting a flare gun at the Medic, seeing it as a bubble blowing machine in his eyes. "Activate charge, doktor!" Misha declared, as the two started laughing as their bodies glowed a bright red, eyes turning yellow. "HAHAHA! OKTOBERFEST!" the doctor laughed evilly alongside Heavy, as they started mowing down the Pyro. This made the Pyro stop in his tracks, seeing small tiny bubbles race towards him, popping as they hit his chest. The Pyro started laughing, before falling to the floor in a giggle-fit. LAGUH TIME! 5/8 "Amazing, comrade!" The Medic praised, giving Heavy a thumbs up, as they turned to face each other with a smile as their ubercharge went away. They were celebrating their victory so far with laughter and a high five. *BANG!* *SPLURT!* Please do note, that "were" indicated past tense, as the celebration was halted as a bullet pierced the Medic's skull, causing the Heavy to shriek in terror. KO! 6/8 "Doktor! No!" he yelled in agony, looking up to where the bullet came from, seeing the Sniper on the bridge. 10 SECONDS! "Good thing I saved a bullet for blokes like you..." he taunted, aiming up another shot right at the Heavy, as he started laughing, pointing right behind the Austraili...oh wait, the New Zealand born person.. "Eh? What's so funny, wanke-" *BONK!* The sharpshooter instantly lost consciousness, as his now limp body flew off the bridge, right behind the Heavy, revealing a smirking Scout behind him all along. "Wow, what 'ah fancy scope ya' got 'dere! I bet da' view of me killin' ya' was real nice!" the motor mouth taunted with a laugh. KO! 7/8 Back in the respawn room, the Soldier and Demoman were still at it, bodies racking high numbers, as the other mercenary men gathered around a window to view the action. "Come on Misha, you got this..." the Medic declared, nervously biting on his gloves. "Go knock that ass out, Heavy," the angry Sniper spoke, fists curled in anger. 5... "I am not done with this fight yet! I still have baby man to kill!" The Heavy shouted, revving up his minigun, as the Scout pulled out his Bonk! Atomic Punch as quickly drunk it. 4... The minigun went off with a series of bangs, all aimed at the Scout, who jumped off the bridge and pulled out his Scattergun, racing towards the giant man. 3... The bullets were shot right at the Scout, but he avoided each one of them with ease and a taunting laugh. "Too slow! Denied! Oh, so close!" he chortled out, before jumping up into the air, feeling his effect about to wear off. 2... The Heavy smirked himself, aiming the gun high into the air, ready to shoot the loud mouth out of the sky... *Clicka Clicka Clicka* "Sasha", as he called it, has ran out of bullets, leaving a now shocked Heavy alone. "Oh, no..." He went, quickly pulling out a shotgun, as he felt Scout land onto his shoulders. 1... The scattergun was now pointed right at Heavy's face, as he quickly pulled his shotgun right out and tried to shoot at Scout. *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* FINAL...KO! Post-Fight: Music: (The Art Of War) The men at the window were shocked, as they lost the two in the storm of bullets. Sniper looked into it further with his sniper rifle's scope, only to be rendered motionless as he saw the outcome. "Holy doody..." he softly spoke as a very angry man re-appeared in the room, as everyone, even Jane Doe and Tavish DeGroot, turned to face him. "No!" he yelled in anger, drawing it out as he punched the walls in a rage, nearly breaking them, as the other mercs started jeering in shock, disappointment and disgust. "Well, this is...unexpected. No one even voted for him..." the Spy informed the Engineer, as the Pyro went over to comfort the loser, patting his back and starting a campfire made out of books and wood, instead startling him instead. "Huh; I guess no one gets the pot after all..." the Engineer spoke, turning towards the betting booth, only to scream in shock as he saw something bad there. "What the-who stole the money?!?" he quickly asked in panic, as two men were laughing, shoulder to shoulder, as they walked off to another respawn room. "Oh, I don't think they saw that one comin'..." The Demoman chuckled, as the American cheered alongside with him. "Indeed they didn't! Nice little plan we thought up of on the fly as we fought, wasn't it?" Jane remarked, eliciting a chrotle from the drunk friend. Back outside, the bullets cleared as the winner, with some bullets that struck him not too far from his body, stood up and laughed happily. ... ... ... ... ... "What did we learn? I ALWAYS WIN!" Scout yelled with a peppy tune in his to the arena, now distant as was the only one remaining... Well him, and one person who dropped out of the sky, pile-driving a hippie into the ground. Of course, that person was... "SAXTON, HAAAAALE!" '' he screeched, as the hippie's entire upper half of his body disintegrated into blood and guts. "My, rather impressive! The pizza delivery boy won!" the buff man spoke in genuine shock. "But whatever, seeing as you aren't gonna take over Mann Co anytime soon..." he held out the fabled hat, causing the Scout to cheer in success again. "Ah, yes! This is perfect! Ma' will be so happy with da' money I can get for her now!" he giddily spoke, literally bouncing up and down on his feet... Meanwhile, way, ''way, ''way ''above them on a cloud, a girl with a halo was looking down onto him, amazed at his feat, her ear pressed against the cloud, somehow managing to hear what he spoke. "O-oh wow...he actually won that? And cares for his mom before himself?" she spoke in disbelief to no one in particular, before grinning and blushing. "H-he could be my boyfriend with that strength and heart!" she got up, readying a spiked bat as wings appeared onto her in a flash of light... Results: Music: (Faster Than A Speeding Bullet) This melee's winner is... The Scout does his "Battin' A Thousands" taunt. Scout: Well, that's what happens when you're a genius! THE SCOUT!Category:What-If? One Minute Melees Category:Battle Royales Category:Completed What-If? One Minute Melees Category:'Video Games' themed One Minute Melees Category:Carnivalia's ringmaster